I have lived the last couple of months with an ideal that is along the lines of doing what I need but didn’t do before. Each decision I approach with the question do I need it? In turn the decisions I end up choosing means that I am slowly developing into a more dependable person and I guess in turn an adult. Small things mean so much more (never underestimate a thank you note) and I guess it’s taken this horrendous year for me to realise things. There are plenty of things I should have done; I should have gone to France more than just this past Christmas. To be serious for a moment friendships bond so much more over trips than going to parties or shopping trips. The Summer trip in Germany cemented friendships to the point where I’m pretty sure I won’t hear from Mike for another 6 months but I will not forget the fact that he actually motivated me and got me out of the tailspin that I found myself in. This Year for me at least has been one of redemption. It’s not a word that I never particular feel comfortable with. I have become a quietly proud person who respects privacy and aims to maintain his own. My idiosyncrasies are becoming clearer to myself and I hope that means that I am becoming more confident in myself and in turn become a generally happier person. Redemption is a word contains strong connotations of failure and we all know how hard it is to acknowledge failure. Failure isn’t the end and that’s the hardest thing to learn. To be honest it shouldn’t be, in an age where there is the reset button and auto save we shouldn’t just shut down when we see failure but merely continue on. Giving up at the first hurdle isn’t something that should be continually repeated. If I was a horse I would have been put down by now, and all I want to do is to be put out to stud. I have pretty much lived my life following half the maxim of Roosevelt which is tread carefully and carry a big stick. I tread so carefully that I have the toes of a ballerina. This past couple of months I have been trying out the stick and to be honest it will take me almost the same amount of time to balance the two but I will get there. I hope that it is easier to learn to be self-assured at an older age than become easy going. Now I’m not going to turn into an asshole or Gordon Gecko but I believe that I’ve got to be more assertive. I’m not really interested in being the perfect combination of a velvet glove and an iron fist but just something where I would feel comfortable with failure and success. I’m letting too many chances go by and to be honest the self appointed tag of Schevchenko is getting on my nerves. The notion of saying well done old chap even though I have no end product is beginning to get on my nerves. Looking back at the things that I have achieved I don’t know where the feeling of inadequacies come from. In the words of Manu I am “le ours” (the bear) I guess I better start living up to that name