It’s time to let you guys in on a secret. I really really really like T-Pain. The whole vocoder as main singing tool isn’t going to last long. I really liked I’m Sprung and you don’t know how many times the song I’m in love with a Stripper I perfectly acceptable to say out loud in public. Well ok it was only once but can you imagine the joy knowing that you could full well say that, bearing in mind that I am frugal and not one to confuse money with love. Anyway my favourite T-Pain song is one that you can’t find on any of his many 5 star classic albums. It is a song that didn’t make the cut mainly because half of his audience would hate him if they heard it. The song is called Calm the F*ck Down, where Teddy Penderassdown calmly tells his dear to calm down after having an argument with her. Now apart from the obvious hilarity involved in the whole process, you try coming across as likable while having a raging argument with the other half. T-Pain doesn’t achieve this, in fact it is more the opposite, but he gains kudos for actually trying. Anyway This convoluted introduction is meant to describe the growing trend fro cold hearted R and B songs. A genre that cried a little bit of tenderness has always had stalwarts of independence (Aretha Franklin’s Respect, Tina Turner’s Proud Mary and Joe Tex’s Show Me Love to name a few) but it never really showed that it could have a cold and callous heart like rock, the blues and of course Hip-Hop had. Whereas Hip-Hop thrives on being cold and unemotional, r and b was that loving touch that you need. Then came the 80’s where the biggest collection of cold hearted songs came into play. Here a a selection of the best.
1) The Outfield – Your Love. This song is a favourite of mine and Massana. He introduced me into this song about two years ago. I feel really bad listening to it because some of the lyrics are pretty raw. The guy is cheating on his girlfriend, with a younger girl, that he wants a one night stand. At least he is honest about his intentions, although sugar coats it by saying I don’t want to lose your love tonight. So let me set the scene you are a girl let’s say 18, a 27 year old man who is involved with someone else says he wants a one night stand. You are shocked about how forthright he is, he then says he doesn’t want to lose your love tonight. I amuse you cave in and he writes this song. I could go on about how sympathy sex is wrong but right now I wouldn’t want look a gift horse in the face and say no.
2) Rick Springfield – Jessie’s Girl. First of all Rick you are a poor excuse of a man. He violates the bro code in a whole new way. He wants his friend’s girlfriend so what does he do, write a song about it. The rule is simple; you don’t go for the girl that your friend is dating. She is off limits tainted. That is why R Kelly and Usher wrote a song about dating the same girl it was such an event that the crystallised it in music form (See a Dave 1 interview for the whole quote). He isn’t even ashamed about it, although he complains that he can’t find a woman like that. So maybe Rick (that better not be your real name otherwise some guy will hunt you down, force you to watch band of brothers and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid until you learn to be a man) you want a good woman. Quit looking in bars you douchebag.
3) The Specials – Too Much Too Young. In the current trend to make similar shirts like the Frankie Says Relax 80’s shirts one of them states the name of this song. Maybe the person that likes the name of the song but really this isn’t a song to put on a tee shirt. It is a song lamenting the fact that a girl has had a child at an early age and could have been going out with the singer. He goes on and on about contraception, sterilisation and finishes one part by saying that she should have used a cap. He is not mincing his words saying that her life of domesticity is purely her fault. This is a 6 minute song about how this girl shouldn’t have got knocked up at an early age. I find myself having less and less sympathy for teenage mothers since they are everywhere in England, especially in Cambridge and Milton Keynes. However, I don’t think that I would be that cold and callous.
4) Hall and Oates – Rich Girl. A song about how some girl relies on her dad’s money. Now a key factor is that I have no idea how old this woman is. This is a song about how she should be seeking independence from her parent’s money. I have no idea what relation Hall and Oates have to this girl but it seems that they are not close enough to even suggest this. They seem to be suggesting that money won’t get her too far but she also doesn’t need the money. I have no idea since I am pretty sure she needs money to eat and pay bills. The financial responsibility placed on this girl might be a lot more that Hall or Oates are capable of fathoming. I find this song is the equivalent of standing outside Harrods and targeting rich girls buying clothes. I could be there with a megaphone screaming “don’t do it. Seek independence. Hall and Oates told you to!”
5) Any over sentimental ballad form the 80’s. Come on Berlin’s take my breath away, Mister Mister’s Broken Wings and Phil Collins can you feel it in the air tonight are some of the most over sentimental songs of all time. Granted I am part of the generation that thinks angels is the best love song of all time. All wrong by the way the honour goes to Barry White Can’t Get Enough of Your Love Babe. Closely followed by Slyvia Striplin Can’t Turn me Away. A song so good my computer is name after her.
Now in closing the 80’s was a mawkish time for songs that yearned for your heart strings. However, we are now seeing a revival of that sort of song. Sean Kingston’s Beautiful Girl (Suicide has never been so sexy), Kate Nash’s Foundations (a good song ruined by everyone deciding her writing and accent can get grating) and Swizz Beatz’s Money in the Bank ( a song dedicated to his love of money and a women chasing him for said money. Another little note he can’t drive to his house, he flies to his house. Where does he live on a mountain, what poor planning by whomever made that house.). Hey at least it is better than the days where we had to watch a domestic dispute between Eamon and Frankie.